A Sacred Vigil at the End of a Pilgrimage

I dreaded this trip... there's no other way to put it... but yesterday John and I crammed as much stuff as would fit into my Miata an started the nine-hour journey south. It was a beautiful Autumn day and as we drove, we had essential time to talk, think, and sleep.

We arrived just as Diana was having another choking episode (with ALS, she doesn't have the strength in her diaphragm to clear her throat). They were able to settle her a few minutes later and we went in to say our hellos. Ever since I've known her, Diana has been a master at conversation and last night was no different. Through extremely labored breaths, she somehow managed to ask about my mother and how she was adjusting to her nursing home. (She even commented on how different Mom's and her experiences were - explaining that different people adjust differently.)

I left her with John and they were able to exchange their love and have a brief conversation as well before she tired. It turned out he was unusually skilled at interpreting what she was trying to say - something that frequently frustrates her caregivers. It's funny, but his whole life, John as been unusually skilled at helping people in bad times. Shortly afterward, she pretty much lost the ability to talk so we arrived just in time. And now we wait...

I wish everyone could experience the typical Hollywood death where we are surrounded by friends and family and just peacefully drift off over a period of a few minutes. My experience is usually the opposite - the body seems to fight death and it's very hard to watch - even more so in Diana's case as ALS is unusually cruel and we have some indications she is still aware but trapped inside a body that can't do anything. So since last night, all we can do is listen to the pace of her breathing, try our best to keep her comfortable, and trust that God will be merciful.

My role here is clearly "companion" on several pilgrimages. I can't really help with Diana's care. So I pretty much talk with Jack, and hold Kristen. I won't share what we talk about but the topic of "yelling at God" has come up several times (something I have a lot of experience with). We wonder why it has to be so cruel that a woman who suffered with MS for decades as to fight ALS in her final days. John comes in and sits with us, then retreats to the internet or guitar. (Have you ever heard "Sweet Child of Mine" in a minor key?) I get to sit, nod in agreement, commiserate, and wait.

Yes, this post sounds a bit morose, but in some ways it is an honor to be present at this part of someone's journey. Diana's life of faith has been incredible, and by keeping this vigil we testify to the value of this child of God in our lives.


The vigil ended around 3:00 this afternoon as Diana entered into the next phase of her pilgrimage with God.